I think. A lot. I think about the same things over and over. I take not knowing as a challenge. I do research. I make charts and spreadsheets. I search for the answers. This is the way that I work. And in a lot of ways it has served me well. This way of thinking made me a good student and made me a good lawyer. But it doesn't make me a good widow or a good cancer patient. I have searched and search for the "answers" and they are not out there. So I know that I need to find a way to sit with this unknowing and not obsess about trying to figure out what I did wrong or how I could have done things differently to get a different result. I need to remind myself that I did not give my husband CF. I did not make him die. I could not save him. I did everything that I could to be a good wife and give him a good life while he was here. I did what I could and that has to be enough. I have to remind myself of this whenever I doubt myself.
I must remind myself that I cannot understand why this happened and that there is no way that I can. I have to remind myself that it is okay if I don't know. It happened. Maybe there is some sort of knowing that I will have after death, but for now I have to accept that I don't know. This is not going to be easy for me and it will likely require daily attention on my part. But I am going to try to embrace the unknowing and stop fighting against it. Maybe that will help give my mind a rest and let me have a little more peace surrounding the issue.
2 comments:
Lisa, you and I think and process life so much the same...your post strikes my heart! I once read a very simple quote that I often repeat to myself..."Let it be girl. Just let it be." It helps calm the unknowning and incomprehensible whys, at least for me. I pray that your strength and faith will guide you to a place of calm and peace, and the ability to embrace the unknowing. Love you!
Thank you for writing this post, it is exactly what I need! I too process this way and my heart aches for those experiencing grief of loved ones or dreams they had for themselves due to disease or other ailment - you included. I recently lost my dad to suicide and it has really got me searching for answers about this world and the next. Thank you for reminding me that I need to make peace with the unknowing.
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